Sunday, July 20, 2008

Attacked by a Cougar


So last Friday night I went to a swing dancing class and learned some very important lessons about getting too close to the wildlife....especially cougars! The class was small, ~8 people plus instructors. Some couples, mostly singles, but even numbers for guys & girls. What actually made it even was what walked in last minute though....the infamous Cougar. Now I'm from Wyoming and I've done my share of hunting, but never for cougars...especially this breed (trophy game my ass!). Early 50's, over-tanned, leathery skin, disturbingly low cut top, and waaaaaaaaaay too friendly to all the young men! Well as everyone paired up, out of the corner of my eye I saw the cougar had me in her sights and was starting to stalk me... A rush of fight or flight adrenaline came over me and I quickly chose flight....right into the arms of the fat girl! Okay, that's mean...she was a bit overweight, but turned out to be an absolute sweetheart and a good swing dancer too! "Good choice Johnny...that was a close call!" Well as the evening went on and they rotated partners as usual....I suddenly found myself staring into the deadly eyes of this dangerous cougar! When I got to her, she put on a wide, scary-looking grin (permanently....no joking, her over-enthusiastic grin never changed the whole time I danced with her...frozen on her face!), she looked me up and down like a fresh piece of meat, and lapped her chops. "Oh shit!" I thought to myself. I started to panic, turned to run, and then BAMMMMM! She pounced on me and started swinging ferociously! (In hindsight I shoulda known better....you never turn and run from a cougar....it triggers the instinctive chase response in them.) As the instructor counted through the steps I desperately tried to lead from as far of a distance as possible. But this little cougar wasn't having any of that....she sucked me in close and started twirling harder! Half cougar, half crocodile, she threw me into an aggressive death roll! I fought hard against her, trying to at least regain my footing even if I couldn't regain the lead....no go! Her unsettling "joker"-like grin was permeated with sexual angst and frustration. Obviously on the prowl, she entangled our bodies together in what could only be described as the prelude to a quick, violent kill. "This cougar hasn't fed in a very long time!", I whimpered silently... As I struggled to escape, a feeling of dizziness came over me (likely from the 13 twirls in a row she just flipped me through) and I started to drift off into a state of semi-consciousness. I imagined for a brief moment what might happen if I were not able to escape this cougar attack. Left like roadkill on the side of the highway days later, I'd wake up in the emergency room with doctors trying to stitch me up. They'd ask what in the world happened to me and I'd shamefully have to confess "I was mauled by a cougar!" The mere thought of all those stitches and the years of counseling suddenly snapped me back to present reality just in time as the saint of an instructor announced "Okay, switch!" BAM! I shot out of the mighty beast's jaws and flew off to the other side of the room! (Leaving the next poor sucker to be mauled and molested.) It was a close call....one that some might consider a life or death experience, especially those who have ever been attacked by a cougar...